


in my world, i'm constantly, constantly having a breakthrough

by anbethmarie



Category: Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery, Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Season 3 Spoilers, rectifying the lack of communication which persists throughout the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 19:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20953532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anbethmarie/pseuds/anbethmarie
Summary: The morning after her journey to the orphanage, Anne decides to skip school. Gilbert, meanwhile, decides to risk being told off by her once again and goes after her to see whether she's all right.





	in my world, i'm constantly, constantly having a breakthrough

As Anne jumped down from the back seat of the carriage, carefully turning her back on Matthew so as not to be forced to recognise his sympathy, she found herself wondering whether she was doomed or simply grotesquely unlucky. Whichever it was, it looked like she could not touch one single thing without it turning against her to her own misery and the disapproval of everyone around her.

Or perhaps, she thought suddenly, it was not _that_ really.

It was not _her_ fault that she was thwarted and looked askance at every move she made. Deep down, it all really came down to the fact that she was a woman, and to the implications which this spuriously innocent fact entailed.

If she were a boy, there would, ten to one, be no objection to her making friends with the indigenous tribe living in the vicinity of Avonlea.

There would be no cause for Marilla to make that ridiculous fuss the day before at the train station, because if she were a boy she could go wherever she wanted to without the necessity of having an escort.

It was absurd anyway, the fact that she was supposedly in need of the supervision of _a boy her own age_.

And it was odious of Gilbert to have made fun of her like that.

And it was both odious _and_ absurd that he should then proceed to take umbrage at the fact that she showed her annoyance.

What did he know about anything anyway? Nothing. Boys never did. They were their own masters, while girls were treated as though they were all of them helpless halfwits, when all the time the truth was that it was because of the way boys – _men_ – were that women could never have a moment’s peace and quiet—

‘Watch your step, Anne!’

She looked up to see Josie Pye, with whom, in her immersion in bleak thoughts, she had just collided, glare at her with suspicion.

‘Heavens, what’s up with you? Are you ill?’ Josie proceeded in mocking tones. ‘Anne? Can’t you speak?’

Anne, whom Josie’s supercilious grimaces succeeded in driving to the edge of exasperation, merely groaned and, without stopping to consider the advisedness of the move, turned on her heel and marched in the direction opposite to that of the school building, towards the silent February woods.

At that very moment, Gilbert Blythe, whom Josie had seen approaching from the corner of her eye since the beginning of her skirmish with Anne, caught up with her, and she turned towards him with a brilliant smile.

‘Hello, Gilbert.’

‘Hi,’ he said in what Josie felt to be an offensively absent-minded way. Then, looking over his shoulder towards where Anne’s blue coat could still be seen against the backdrop of the barren trees, he asked abruptly, ‘What’s Anne doing?’

‘Being a freak,’ Josie replied with a shrug. ‘Like she _always_ is.’

Gilbert flashed her a glance which she disliked very much, his jaw clenched.

‘I thought you’ve grown out of calling people names,’ he said coolly. ‘But I suppose that’s simply too much to expect.’

Then, to her surprise, he turned right round and started heading in the opposite direction at such a quick pace that Josie didn’t even see the use of replying to his stupid comment.

‘_Unbelievable_!’ she muttered under her breath.

And, within two minutes of her setting foot in the schoolhouse, everyone knew that Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe were both playing hooky, presumably together, in the Avonlea woods.

***

Gilbert did walk quickly at first, mainly with a view to getting out of Josie Pye’s vocal range and thus preventing himself from giving her a true piece of his mind in response to her eternal taunts.

As soon, however, as he was some distance away from the school building, he slowed down, digging his fists deep into his pockets and frowning at the snow under his feet as the supposition – or rather, certainty – that Anne would not be happy to see him follow her crept into his mind.

_I certainly don’t need >you<! _The words, uttered in a tone which seemed to Gilbert to seethe with resentment at his presence on what was her _deeply meaningful personal journey_, echoed in his head, and had the effect of making him kick at the stones lying on the path he was trailing along with unnecessary vehemence.

All right then, Anne Shirley Cuthbert didn’t need him on her personal journey. She only saw him as a nuisance, a necessary evil, or, at best, as the guy one of her friends was in love with.

(And God, _had_ he made a fool of himself about that ridiculous take notice board business! It made him cringe still just to think about how close he had been to telling Anne he liked her.)

All the same, she _might_ need him _now_. As in, the woods was not a safe place to be in alone on a freezing morning like this. Not a comforting place, either, and something in the way he had seen her walk away from Josie made Gilbert think Anne might be in need of comfort.

(Not that _he_ could hope to be any good in that respect, as he had proven only too well when on their train ride home the day before she had looked so strange and bright-eyed and he, being the fool that he was, decided to show her how much he didn’t care by acting all taken up with his own affairs.)

Still, he might be able to convince her that if, for whatever reason, she didn’t feel like going to school, she should simply head back home and not hang around in a godforsaken wood.

And then he might go home himself, and get busy around the farm with Bash, and thus forget that all his parents’ most precious belongings had been stolen this very morning.

This was a bitter prospect, but at least it gave Gilbert some clear purpose, and made him quicken his step once again.

***

He came upon her sitting on a fallen trunk in one of the little glades with which the woods were scattered.

Her back was towards him, but soon the crunching of the snow under his boots altered her to his presence, and, jumping up and turning round with a swift, apprehensive movement, she stood facing him as he came up to her, cheeks pink with the cold and eyes glinting in her drawn face.

‘What do you _want_?’ she asked sharply, the corners of her mouth quirking downwards in a displeased frown.

Gilbert stopped a few steps away from where she stood, and, internally cursing himself, said with a shrug meant as an attempt at showing his indifference,

‘I saw you walking away from Josie, and I thought I’d come see whether you’re all right.’

‘Well, you came and you saw,’ she replied promptly, turning her eyes away from his, ‘that I’m _perfectly fine_. Can you please go away now?’

He stood undecided, unwilling both to leave her there to her own devices and to bring another angry, haunting _I don’t need you _on himself.

While he thus hesitated, Anne looked back up at him with impatience.

‘I want to be _alone_,’ she said with exaggerated emphasis.

‘Couldn’t you go be alone somewhere less cold?’ he countered, willing himself to sound merely practical. ‘I really don’t think you should—‘

‘No, of course I _shouldn’t_!’ she interrupted with a sudden uncontrolled fierceness which made Gilbert’s eyebrows shoot up. ‘That’s how it ends every single time! Whatever I want to do is always, for some reason, wrong, or dangerous, or,’ she spat the word out with disgust, ‘_inappropriate_! I wish I had been born a gypsy, that’s what!’ she went on rather wildly. ‘At least then nobody would have the right to stand in my way wherever I turned! _Ugh_!’

As she finished, she whirled round and sat back down on her tree trunk, putting her face in her hands.

Slowly, uncertainly, Gilbert sat down beside her.

‘Gypsies don’t have easy lives, you know,’ he said rather aimlessly. ‘People always want to chase them away.’

‘Yes, I wonder what _that_ might feel like,’ Anne said from behind her hands with a mocking bitterness that quite took him aback. ‘Because, obviously, _my_ experience has all been of people welcoming me with their arms wide open.’

Gilbert’s stomach sank, and he was silent.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said finally.

Anne gave a dismissive snort, but at the same time took her hands away from her face and, looking to the side and away from him, said gloomily,

‘Frankly, I’m rather beginning to be sorry for myself as well. I used to try my best not to be, as it’s no good anyway, but it seems I’ve lost the knack of it after yesterday.’

_\- How was your quest?_

_\- Lovely._

Mustering all the courage and self-control he had, Gilbert asked tentatively,

‘What happened yesterday?’

‘Nothing happened,’ Anne replied dully, still not looking at him. ‘Apart from the fact that I found out it is quite possible for very much alive people to dump their unwanted children at the orphanage and tell the matron to bring them up in the belief their parents are dead.’ She turned towards him with an expression on her face of such obvious pain that his heart contracted. ‘Doesn’t sound too heartening, does it?’

He scanned her face anxiously.

‘Is that what’s happened in your case?’ he ventured eventually.

She gave him a wry, grimacing smile. ‘I don’t know. The matron at the orphanage couldn’t tell me. Or wouldn’t.’

There was silence for a moment, and then she burst out angrily,

‘What does it matter anyway? I was foolish to think I could ever find out anything about my ancestry. Obviously, outcasts like me don’t have one.’

‘Come on, Anne, that’s not true,’ Gilbert countered earnestly, impulsively grabbing her by the arm so that she would look him straight in the face. ‘You are _not_ an outcast. You’re a Cuthbert through and through, aren’t you?’ he added with a small smile, which made her roll her eyes. ‘And it’s not foolish of you to want to know your biological roots either.’

‘I just,’ she began, somewhat falteringly and looking down and away from his intent eyes she did so, ‘I just wish I could find something – some material evidence that they existed. My parents. _Anything_. Just to be able to touch something that they had once touched. So that they would feel real for once, and not like something I’ve made up in my head.’

As she said those words, Gilbert saw, in his mind’s eye, the havoc that had been wrought by Elijah among his father’s possessions, and a sudden wave of weariness and despondency went over him, making him unconsciously relax his hold on Anne’s arm, which caused her in her turn to look up.

‘What’s the matter?’ she asked, sounding a little bewildered. ‘Gilbert, what’s wrong?’

He pulled himself together, and, sitting up a little straighter, offered her a crooked smile which didn’t reach his eyes.

‘I know it’s not in any way comparable to your troubles,’ he said with forced casualness, ‘but, in my way, I’ve had rather a lousy morning as well. Mary’s son was staying the night at the farm, and in the morning we found that – well, in short, he’s stolen all my father’s and mother’s personal belongings.’

Anne’s eyes went very wide and, her face and tone softening, she said quietly,

‘I’m very sorry. This must be a blow to you. I remember how hard it was for Marilla had to pawn her own things—and it’s not about the monetary value, either—‘

‘No,’ Gilbert agreed dully. ‘It isn’t. There were my mother’s jewels—Father always used to say she wanted me to—Well, it doesn’t matter now anyway,’ he finished awkwardly, his cheeks heating up under Anne’s inquiring, limpid gaze.

Getting up from the trunk with a jerky movement, he said with assumed briskness, ‘Will you let me walk you home? I really would hate it if you were to miss school tomorrow because of a cold. Fair and square, remember?’

Anne, who seemed to have gotten somewhat lost in her thoughts, got up with a sigh.

‘Fair and square,’ she said, looking at him with a slight nod. ‘Although, you know,’ she continued as they set off towards the main road, her voice assuming a determined kind of light-heartedness which Gilbert could tell it cost her a lot to muster, ‘it’s never really fair and square between boys and girls. You don’t have to have Bash babysit you through your trips to Charlottetown every Saturday.’

‘No,’ he admitted shortly.

Anne let out a short, bitter laugh. ‘It’s as easy as that for you. But what if _I_ wanted to become a doctor? How would I manage it? I suppose I would have to be rich enough to procure myself a maid who would accompany me to anatomy classes, and even then I hardly think any amount of money would be enough to bribe the teacher to allow me to attend it and thus irrevocably imperil my maidenly chastity.’

Quite mechanically, Gilbert smiled a small self-conscious smile at that.

‘Oh, I know it sounds funny put like that,’ Anne said with some heat. ‘And also coming from a person who doesn’t really want to be a doctor and is only speaking theoretically. But I really hope that if someday I have a daughter—I mean,’ she amended quickly, catching Gilbert’s sideways glance, ‘if I ever had a daughter – which I _won’t_ – I would hate to see her dreams go to waste just because what people are pleased to call convention demands that she stays at home practicing the piano. That’s exactly what’s happening to Diana, you know.’

‘I know,’ Gilbert, who was not smirking any more, said quietly. ‘And I’m glad Miss Cuthbert’s more reasonable than that.’

‘Oh, Marilla may be old-fashioned, but she’d have to be delusional to think along the Barrys’ lines. You know, about my catching husbands and all that. Still,’ she added, giving him a straightforward look which, staring at her as he had been, made Gilbert blush guiltily, ‘I hope that, being the one of us two who is going to have the power to vote, I hope you remember me and my hypothetical daughter if ever a day comes on which you are asked to express your opinion on the emancipation of women.’

‘I will,’ he said with due seriousness, and then added with a twinkle in his eyes, ‘_Especially_ the daughter. Doomed to be hypothetical, poor dear.’

Anne rolled her eyes at that, but couldn’t suppress a small smile, to which Gilbert immediately responded with a wide one of his own.

They walked on in silence for a few moments after that, and then Anne said rather abruptly,

‘Would you mind if I called at your place before heading home? I don’t really feel like undergoing a lecture on the subject of my being a danger to myself twice in such close proximity.’

Gilbert looked a little confused, but said simply,

‘No, of course not. I mean, you know you’re always welcome there.’

‘Thanks.’

‘But,’ he went on cautiously, ‘I hope you also know—I mean, it may not seem like it at times, but Miss Cuthbert really only wants what’s best for you.’

Anne shot him a furious glare.

‘Is it _best_ for me to be prohibited from seeing perfectly friendly people only because they happen to be of a different ethnicity than us? Because that’s what it was all about really, my visit to the indigenous people’s village.’

‘No, I don’t suppose it is,’ Gilbert conceded with a sigh. ‘But,’ he added before he could stop himself, ‘I don’t really wonder she got angry at your venturing so deep into the countryside all alone. It’s simply not safe.’

Anne’s response was a deprecating snort.

‘I mean it, Anne. Anyone who cares about you will tell you the same.’

She gave him a quick, piercing glance, and he could feel his ears going red. For a moment they confronted each other in silence, and then, blinking rapidly and looking away, she said in a deliberately light-hearted voice,

‘All right, Mr Know-it-All, let’s hurry up so that I might at least be of some use to Mary and thus expiate my manifold sins. I’ve got a feeling we’re going to regret this holiday. Josie saw me going away, and she’s sure to make it known to all and sundry that I played truant.’

‘She saw me as well.’

‘Great,’ said Anne with an exaggerated sigh. ‘Then tomorrow we might expect the worst. Prepare to see your name up there on the board, coupled with mine, for everyone to see and infer the worst.’

Gilbert gave her a sideways look, crinkling his brows.

‘Do you mind?’ he asked in a would-be careless tone.

‘Don’t _you_?’ she countered quickly, without looking at him. ‘You said yourself you were not a take notice kind of guy.’

‘No—not when it’s something untrue and silly,’ he said slowly, carefully.

Anne lifted her eyes. ‘Like, your writing that you like Ruby?’

‘Yes. For example that.’

‘Or – or anyone at all?’

He looked into her glowing face, and wondered, with a leap of his heart, whether it was simply due to the cold winter air.

‘I—‘

‘Gilbert? Anne? What are you doing here? Is school off?’

With a start, they both turned to see Moody Spurgeon Macpherson labouring up the path from the direction of his house.

***

Late that night, as he lay in bed, Gilbert was still wondering whether the sigh of disappointment he had heart Anne let out at that moment was merely a figment of his desperate imagination.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, all through that last episode I was expecting that Mary wasn't going to die after all? even when Gilbert told her how it was sepsis and there was no cure for it I was like, ok, then perhaps invent a cure DOCTOR Blythe? use the knowledge acquired from all those handbooks you're always reading instead of looking at/talking to Anne? but no, instead that amazing woman went through hell knowing she was going to die within literal days and leave an infant baby and a husband who adored her???
> 
> But, while ep 3 broke my heart, it also brought back my ability to enjoy shirbert content :D like, after ep 2 I couldn't ever read fanfiction, because all the time my head would go "this isn't real. in reality Gilbert has suddenly decided to fall in love with miss Winifred Rose who materialised out of nowhere and whose favourite pastime is groping skeletons??? 
> 
> I'm so glad we had no spoilers of the hug, it came as such a wonderful surprise??? Especially in comparison to Anne's inability to handle Gilbert's grief after his father's death?? talk about growth
> 
> My particular favourite though is the scene in which Anne hands him the flowers-decorated hat for Mary - on the gifs I've seen of it his face looks like he literally just proposed??? altogether shirbert's new-found ability to actually speak more than two words to each other at a time is a joy to my heart
> 
> there are so many questions though?? like, although I hate the thought, miss R is bound to reappear, but to wreak what havoc who can tell? and what about Diana and Jerry whyyyy aren't we seeing more of them. and also will Matthew die or is the blood count made even with the sacrifice of the human sunshine that was Mary? 
> 
> Also, who else thought about little Joyce when Anne talked to Gilbert about how as a doctor he won't be able to avoid imparting terrible news to people? my instant thought was "yes, Gilbert, one of these days you're going to have to tell your wife Anne Blythe that your daughter is doomed to die within hours of her birth?" ,_,


End file.
